Getting to Know You: Anger and Couples
In this chapter, we explore the role of conflict in intimate relationships:
how past history can play into a present relationship and how to cultivate a
healthy relationship. You will find out how to change destructive patterns.
You will learn tools and strategies for expressing anger in ways that support
a strong and satisfying relationship with your partner.
The Peaks and Valleys of Intimacy
Sally and Greg's relationship is one of respect and mutual support. In their
sixties, they love to play tennis and hike. Yet the two are very different people.
Sally has written and posted detailed instructions on how to load the dishwasher.
Greg lives for spontaneity and a bit of chaos. He likes to take off skiing at
a moment's notice.
Greg compares their relationship to an effective football team: ""The
quarterback's skills are different from the linebacker's, but you need both
to score points."" Greg accepts that Sally's posted instructions and detailed
""to-do"" lists are symbolic of her skill at organizing the household.
Sally realizes that Greg's fun-loving nature and spontaneity are part of what
makes the family fun, making it easier for her to tolerate his sudden ski trips.
Their arguments tend to stay focused on the specific issue at hand and do not
spill over into criticism of each other's personality traits.
It wasn't always like this. Greg admits, ""Early on in our marriage, we
both thought about divorce. We were so angry at each other. I guess what kept
us together was that we came from broken families where divorce had hurt everybody.
We didn't want that.""
The Road Not Taken
It's important to remember that conflict in a relationship actually demonstrates
that partners care and that they trust each other enough to face those conflicts.
Successful conflict builds trust that leads to true intimacy and love. Most
couples face challenges in their relationships. Relationships are filled with
peaks and valleys. Often we view the peaks as the end-all and be-all. But while
the valley may not have the breathtaking views of the mountaintop, it does have
its own gifts: wildflowers, a sparkling brook and wild strawberries to taste
and savor.
If you think of the very first mountaintop as the peak of infatuation and
lust, you can probably remember a time that first valley seemed like such a
disappointment. What a shock to discover you were traversing the mountain with
someone who chews cereal loudly enough to wake up the neighboring campers. This
progression out of initial infatuation may take you by surprise.
However, those couples who never fight, who never enter the valley, are at
the most risk for eventual separation. We are surprised when the ""perfect
couple"" separates because ""they never argued."" Exactly. Conflict,
successfully dealt with, builds the trust that is necessary for real love. And
that is why time in the valley is so important.
Time in the valley can mean fighting about dirty dishes in the sink, coping
with different communication styles, noticing little pet peeves or feeling uncomfortable
with intimacy. Time in the valley means seeing the person for who he or she
really is—not just the projection you fell head-over-heels for in the
beginning. Often, people get the urge to exit the relationship when they enter
the valley. For some, exiting means leaving the relationship; for others it
is workaholism or emotional distance. These couples are missing one of the very
first treats of the valley: the wildflowers.
As conflict comes up in a relationship, the wildflowers can be seen as the
little (and big) things we learn about one another through conflict: each other's
frailties, as well as strengths. If we approach our anger with care, it can
open up a new world enabling us to stretch our comfort zones and grow. The sparkling
brook may be the time you spend holding each other after successfully negotiating
the troubled waters of your first real fight—ah, trust! And the wild strawberries
may be the increased intimacy you experience over time: It takes work, but there's
nothing like that taste! Once we traverse the valley, the next peak can be higher,
offering an even more amazing view than the first.
. . .
Cultivating a Vibrant Relationship: How Green Is Your Valley?
You need the right environment to nurture a relationship and help it grow.
Just as you cannot grow petunias in the desert, you cannot deal with conflict
constructively if your relationship is arid. Look at the environment in which
your relationship takes place: Are you kind to one another? Do you hurt each
other often? Do you do special things for each other? Let little annoyances
ride? Speak kindly? Say ""thanks""?
Stephen Covey compares a relationship's strengths and stressors to a bank
account. If your balance is low, a check can bounce; your account becomes overdrawn.
In relationships, we need to make deposits into our partner's account. Otherwise
the balance will get low and little things will throw the account into negative
territory. Then we will fight about little things—the bed is not made
properly; there is not enough gas in the car; the dishes sat too long in the
sink; and on and on. (Covey, 1989)
You can make deposits by kind words, hugs, helping out when not expected, a
kind note on the refrigerator door, gifts or dinner out together. Here is a
secret: Different people like to be loved in different ways. Ask your partner,
""What makes you feel loved?"" For some people, it is a clean living
room; for others, it is a loving word or an arm around them while they cook
dinner.
When they were first married, Greg felt helpless when Sally cried. Later she
told him, ""I come with an instruction manual. When I cry, you don't need
to say anything or fix the problem. Just hold me.""
External forces also affect the relationship environment. Are your jobs satisfying,
demanding or horrific? Are finances strong or stressful? Are you both in good
physical health? If you are feeling resentful for putting things into the partnership,
then it may be a sign you need to fill up your tank somewhere. You may find
that exercise, a spiritual practice, nurturing friendships, women's or men's
groups, or an engaging hobby can be helpful.
If something outside of the relationship is causing anger or stress, try not
to take your anger out on your partner. People often project anger onto loved
ones, because it may seem to be the safest place. Try to explore honestly where
your anger is truly stemming from. Use your own exploration, or ask a friend
or counselor for help. Then try to communicate honestly with your partner: ""I'm
really angry that my boss changed the deadline on this project. I'm not sure
I can finish it in time and I feel like I'm ready to lose my cool at the least
provocation.""
. . .
Handling Conflict in Healthy Ways
What Do You Fight About?
There are two reasons to argue: one is to let off steam and
the other is to resolve issues. Many times we think we want resolution, but
the way we fight actually insures that there will not be resolution. Rather
than let off steam, our fight creates a pressure cooker where each issue raised
just adds to the pressure in the pot.
Over time couples tend to push each other's buttons, all the things that drive
us crazy:
- Household responsibilities/duties: ""Why am I always the one to empty
the dishwasher?""
- Money: ""You spent $500 on clothes?""
- How to bring up their kids: ""You're too strict with them.""
- Emotional availability: ""You never want to talk.""
- Sex: In Woody Allen's film Annie Hall, Diane Keaton's character tells her
therapist that they have sex ""all the time, at least once a week,""
while Woody Allen's character complains they ""hardly ever have sex, about
once a week.""
- Workload/balance: ""You're never home.""
- Neatness or cleanliness: ""Have you forgotten how to use a clothes
hanger?""
If you find yourselves having the same arguments over and over, are you trying
to change your partner to make him or her neater? More helpful? More emotionally
present? What is lurking behind the fighting? Do you start fights in order to
get closer to your partner? Frieda, a woman whose partner pushed her around,
admitted, ""For me, an angry touch is better than no touch at all.""
Or are you picking a fight to release stress? We all know our partners very
well—enough to start a fight with them in two and a half seconds!
Examine How You Fight
Greg was a shouter. Sally was the silent-treatment type. She'd get her anger
out in passive-aggressive ways, like saying something biting about Greg in front
of his friends or implying Greg wasn't doing his share of the work around the
house.
The most effective style in conflict resolution is to state the facts objectively,
let your partner know your reaction to those facts, state what you need or want,
and then listen to your partner to discover his/her perspective and needs.
What's your style? Do you run away from conflict? Do you push your anger down?
Or do you get louder and louder as a fight goes on, heaping on larger insults
as your stone-faced mate stares you down?
Experiment with your style. Choose one or two new strategies from the menu
below and write them on your Mad Pad as a reminder. Try them in your next few
arguments:
- Take Two: Taking a ""time-out"" can help you both regain perspective
and fight from a ""cooler"" place, rather than fighting while your
anger hormones are raging.
- Watch Your Language: Avoid blaming and hurtful words.
- Don't Throw or Catch Hot Potatoes: When a foul mood hits, you may be tempted
to try to pass the anger and negativity off on someone else. You may get to
pass it off this round, but it will return. Recognize when your partner throws
a hot potato and bypass a fight by not engaging.
- Admit Your Frailties: Ask for forgiveness when you are wrong. ""Please
forgive me"" can be the sweetest words to your partner's ears. The words
may be hard to say, but they work like Miracle-Gro™ on the marriage
tree.
- Don't Interrupt: If you find yourselves interrupting each other, use a
timer. Take turns while each person talks uninterrupted for five minutes.
- Shift the Pattern: Try changing your behavior. For example, if you usually
disagree with his/her points, try to agree. Walk down a different path to
get different results.
- Appreciation: Acknowledge something positive about your partner.
- Conscious Conflict: You will find more strategies and a whole framework
for resolving conflict in chapter 8.
The Heebie-Jeebies
You haven't had an unhealthy fight in three weeks. You feel more appreciated
than ever before, and blossoms are blooming on the marriage tree. Does this
new intimacy make you nervous? Maybe you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Maybe yelling made you feel more powerful. Maybe you're a chaos junkie—to
feel fully alive you need drama in your life, and fighting provided the drama.
Ask yourself what you really want.
Sometimes people react to intimacy by growing numb. They find that old feelings
of fear and helplessness come up and so they push their partners away in an
effort not to feel. They may think they are falling out of love. They do whatever
it takes to drive their partner away, but as soon as their partner becomes distant,
they appear immensely desirable. We want them gone but fight to get them back.
We call this dynamic ""go away closer."" Sometimes we push a loved one
to see just how far we can go. ""Will she still love me if I don't act lovable?""
Neither of these is healthy behavior, and is probably rooted in ancient history.
A therapist or counselor may be helpful as you work to explore and to change
such behavior.
Many of us try to justify our own end of a disagreement. We think that if
the other person just understood why we did what we did, they'd realize we're
right. The problem with justifying is that it's only about ""me."" Try
sharing the stage. If you find yourself trying to convince your partner of your
motives and correctness, try this in your next fight: Stop justifying yourself
for just a minute. Instead, attempt to hear what the person is saying. Rather
than seeking to prove that you didn't mean to hurt him or her and explaining
your actions, say, ""I'm sorry that ___________ hurt you."" After your
partner's hurt feelings have been acknowledged, he or she might be more willing
to hear that a mistake is only a mistake.
For the Hot-Headed
If you tend to lose your temper easily, here's a simple exercise to cultivate
patience:
- Next time you lose your temper, instead of focusing on your shame or who's
to blame afterwards, take time to reimagine the situation. Recall how anger
or resentment built up before the explosion. How could you have addressed
your needs sooner, before the pressure intensified? Is there a way you could
have acted without yelling at, blaming or hurting your partner? Could you
have taken a time-out?
- Close your eyes and picture yourself in a similar situation in the future,
doing everything right: monitoring your feelings, noticing when anger and
resentment surface, and addressing your needs in a healthy way.
You may want to make notes about this on your Mad Pad.
Sometimes people are addicted to the hormone rushes of shouting, lashing out
or expressing anger in other unhealthy ways. If you begin to wean yourself from
the hostile response, you may find yourself feeling a bit bored. Such feelings
of boredom are normal for a while.
And Remember This
Usually, what we take personally is not personal at all. You and your partner
each react to behaviors that set something off in you. Your partner probably
isn't trying to hurt you, and you're not trying to hurt him or her. You're both
reacting to pain you carry from past experiences.
Resolving conflicts, sharing experiences and showing love for one another—emotionally,
physically and sexually—keep people together. Where there are plenty of
hugs, kisses, snuggles, compliments, shared pleasures and common activities,
self-esteem grows. With this comes the joy of giving of yourself. In such a
loving and healthy environment, you can express anger in a way that increases
understanding and allows intimacy to flourish.
©2003. Jane Middelton-Moz, M.S., Lisa Tener, M.S., Peaco Todd, M.A. All rights reserved. Reprinted from Good and Mad. No part of this
publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in
any form or by any means, without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher:
Health Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield Beach, FL 33442.
|
